"Thanks...Mr. Jew"

There are few things in life more brutal than children's recitals. I know that probably offends many parents, but let's face it, unless your child or a close relative is performing there's no reason to be at a recital. Unless...you are trapped in a foreign country (say China) with no way to get around and absolutely no friends. How then do you end up at a children's recital? Glad you asked. A woman who works for our apartment complex invited me, Kate and AJ to watch children dance and sing, and I thought it could be "fun" as well as a good time killer. I don't think I can make it until December if this is how I have to spend my days! All along, I thought we would be going to some performing arts center to watch a professional children's performance. Little did I know, my Chinese-English dictionary did not have a proper translation for "show" performed in an elementary school cafetorium (cafeteria/auditorium that we all grew up with). Apparently recital in Chinese translates to propaganda filled talent show espousing the economic, cultural and social benefits of China.

It is important to note that after each performance, a thank you was given to the performers by the emcee in Chinese and then translated in English.

Here's my "review" of the performances(I know I'm going to get in trouble for making fun of 5 year olds).

Act 1: A 30 minute power point presentation about the strenuous selection process for the upcoming performers, all in Chinese. Have you ever thought of taking two year old twins to a 30 minute power point presentation? How about in Chinese? I can go ahead and tell you it's a bad idea, especially when the music is so loud that you can't hear anything. Except for the one break in music when your son looks at you with the saddest eyes and says,"I want to go home, Mommy." It was the only thing all morning that had proper timing.

Act 2:Shakira and the Salsa Dancers-if you're in the mood for Shakira played on a Sony boom box and some not so on beat dance moves, you might want to join me next time. This act had three couples, none of them older than 8, seductively dancing their way into the hearts of all the other guests. The little boys and girls were dressed in their sexy outfits with makeup all over their faces. Is it ever a good idea to put blue eyeshadow on a boy??? You make the call in the attached picture - and yes that IS a Jackie Chan hair braid. I think AJ is planning to come back to Texas with one.
Act 3: Have you heard the one about the Rabbi, his Chinese wife, and their son? Well, I have, and let me tell you, it's not too pretty. This performance was supposed to be their son singing a traditional Jewish song, when in fact it ended up being the two parents performing a rousing rendition of Hava Nagila. About half way through, all the Chinese people started clapping and stomping their feet, again, not on beat. It was pure chaos! Mike and I are starting to think that maybe two hands are unable to meet in rhythm in China as referenced by the "high five" side-note blogged about earlier. Maybe the "Butterfly Effect" of two hands connecting in-rhythm in China results in a tornado in Oklahoma??? I don't think one beat was hit in two hours...Good news for Oklahoma - Brutal for me. After this performance is where "the line of the year" (as Mike calls it) was issued. After the performance the emcee got up to thank the performers and said..."Thanks, Mr. Jew." My jaw dropped. It is either a strange coincidence that in a country of 1.2 billion that the one Jewish performance is done by a man named Mr. Jew or in fact Engrish took over. The Chinese are not known for being politically correct either!
Act 4:Violinist- I actually have nothing bad to say about her. Mike said "of course she was good -if you think back to elementary school again, weren't all of the really good violinists who performed in the cafetorium Asian". At least that's what he said it was like at McCoy elementary! Even though she was extremely good, it still couldn't hold the attention of Kate and AJ.

Act 5: Kung Fu demonstration- What would a recital be in China without a Kung Fu demonstration. This one was prefaced with a "Do not try this at home. These are trained Kung Fu artists." I took it as a challenge. I figure all I really have to do is yell "Huh!" a lot and act like I'm going to hit someone and then roll around on the floor. Apparently that takes a lot of training for a 5 year old to do. I guess Kate and AJ are advanced for their age because they do all of those things already. I'm so proud. Now if I could get them to quit pooping in their pants. I do want to see if Kate will let me do her hair like that, though.

Act 6: Australian Song: This was sung by three children that I think were siblings. This was the only act in English, so I understood every word. At this point, I switch from being glad I didn't know Chinese to wishing I didn't know English! I think the Australians need to rethink some of their songs, since this one focused mostly about being brought to Australia because they were criminals. Now I know that it used to be a prison island, but having kids singing about it was a little weird. As a result, Mike has decided to write a song about Huntsville that he is hoping Kate and AJ will perform at their first recital.

Act 7: Handkerchief Dance- Cute little girl doing what was a traditional Chinese dance. She did a good job, I think - I really have nothing to compare it to. Kate and AJ liked it at least. I did finally figure out who actually uses all the handkerchiefs.

Act 8: Saxophone player- Awkward boy playing well, but each page turn involved stopping completely, turning the page and then starting again in the middle of the song. Poor guy, they could have helped him out a little and turned the pages for him.

Act 9: Traditional Chinese Dance- Three teenage girls performing a dance that had some significant meaning in Chinese, but again, not sure what it was. I was just glad it was the last act of the show as I had already been defeated by Act 1.

All of the performers got on stage and posed for a picture at the end, and this is when they asked all of the children to come up for the picture. I found out that the whole purpose of this show was to demonstrate how accepting Chinese people are of all the different cultures from around the world and that is why we were invited - token Americans. I don't think there was an act for the USA (I am not quite sure because I went comatose about 45 minutes in), but if there wasn't I guess I should have gotten up there and sang, "I'm proud to be an American." That would have fit in just right at this sad, sad show.

We're looking forward to inviting each of you to Kate and AJ's first recital.

Love

Mr. and Mrs. Christian