"Thanks...Mr. Jew"

There are few things in life more brutal than children's recitals. I know that probably offends many parents, but let's face it, unless your child or a close relative is performing there's no reason to be at a recital. Unless...you are trapped in a foreign country (say China) with no way to get around and absolutely no friends. How then do you end up at a children's recital? Glad you asked. A woman who works for our apartment complex invited me, Kate and AJ to watch children dance and sing, and I thought it could be "fun" as well as a good time killer. I don't think I can make it until December if this is how I have to spend my days! All along, I thought we would be going to some performing arts center to watch a professional children's performance. Little did I know, my Chinese-English dictionary did not have a proper translation for "show" performed in an elementary school cafetorium (cafeteria/auditorium that we all grew up with). Apparently recital in Chinese translates to propaganda filled talent show espousing the economic, cultural and social benefits of China.

It is important to note that after each performance, a thank you was given to the performers by the emcee in Chinese and then translated in English.

Here's my "review" of the performances(I know I'm going to get in trouble for making fun of 5 year olds).

Act 1: A 30 minute power point presentation about the strenuous selection process for the upcoming performers, all in Chinese. Have you ever thought of taking two year old twins to a 30 minute power point presentation? How about in Chinese? I can go ahead and tell you it's a bad idea, especially when the music is so loud that you can't hear anything. Except for the one break in music when your son looks at you with the saddest eyes and says,"I want to go home, Mommy." It was the only thing all morning that had proper timing.

Act 2:Shakira and the Salsa Dancers-if you're in the mood for Shakira played on a Sony boom box and some not so on beat dance moves, you might want to join me next time. This act had three couples, none of them older than 8, seductively dancing their way into the hearts of all the other guests. The little boys and girls were dressed in their sexy outfits with makeup all over their faces. Is it ever a good idea to put blue eyeshadow on a boy??? You make the call in the attached picture - and yes that IS a Jackie Chan hair braid. I think AJ is planning to come back to Texas with one.
Act 3: Have you heard the one about the Rabbi, his Chinese wife, and their son? Well, I have, and let me tell you, it's not too pretty. This performance was supposed to be their son singing a traditional Jewish song, when in fact it ended up being the two parents performing a rousing rendition of Hava Nagila. About half way through, all the Chinese people started clapping and stomping their feet, again, not on beat. It was pure chaos! Mike and I are starting to think that maybe two hands are unable to meet in rhythm in China as referenced by the "high five" side-note blogged about earlier. Maybe the "Butterfly Effect" of two hands connecting in-rhythm in China results in a tornado in Oklahoma??? I don't think one beat was hit in two hours...Good news for Oklahoma - Brutal for me. After this performance is where "the line of the year" (as Mike calls it) was issued. After the performance the emcee got up to thank the performers and said..."Thanks, Mr. Jew." My jaw dropped. It is either a strange coincidence that in a country of 1.2 billion that the one Jewish performance is done by a man named Mr. Jew or in fact Engrish took over. The Chinese are not known for being politically correct either!
Act 4:Violinist- I actually have nothing bad to say about her. Mike said "of course she was good -if you think back to elementary school again, weren't all of the really good violinists who performed in the cafetorium Asian". At least that's what he said it was like at McCoy elementary! Even though she was extremely good, it still couldn't hold the attention of Kate and AJ.

Act 5: Kung Fu demonstration- What would a recital be in China without a Kung Fu demonstration. This one was prefaced with a "Do not try this at home. These are trained Kung Fu artists." I took it as a challenge. I figure all I really have to do is yell "Huh!" a lot and act like I'm going to hit someone and then roll around on the floor. Apparently that takes a lot of training for a 5 year old to do. I guess Kate and AJ are advanced for their age because they do all of those things already. I'm so proud. Now if I could get them to quit pooping in their pants. I do want to see if Kate will let me do her hair like that, though.

Act 6: Australian Song: This was sung by three children that I think were siblings. This was the only act in English, so I understood every word. At this point, I switch from being glad I didn't know Chinese to wishing I didn't know English! I think the Australians need to rethink some of their songs, since this one focused mostly about being brought to Australia because they were criminals. Now I know that it used to be a prison island, but having kids singing about it was a little weird. As a result, Mike has decided to write a song about Huntsville that he is hoping Kate and AJ will perform at their first recital.

Act 7: Handkerchief Dance- Cute little girl doing what was a traditional Chinese dance. She did a good job, I think - I really have nothing to compare it to. Kate and AJ liked it at least. I did finally figure out who actually uses all the handkerchiefs.

Act 8: Saxophone player- Awkward boy playing well, but each page turn involved stopping completely, turning the page and then starting again in the middle of the song. Poor guy, they could have helped him out a little and turned the pages for him.

Act 9: Traditional Chinese Dance- Three teenage girls performing a dance that had some significant meaning in Chinese, but again, not sure what it was. I was just glad it was the last act of the show as I had already been defeated by Act 1.

All of the performers got on stage and posed for a picture at the end, and this is when they asked all of the children to come up for the picture. I found out that the whole purpose of this show was to demonstrate how accepting Chinese people are of all the different cultures from around the world and that is why we were invited - token Americans. I don't think there was an act for the USA (I am not quite sure because I went comatose about 45 minutes in), but if there wasn't I guess I should have gotten up there and sang, "I'm proud to be an American." That would have fit in just right at this sad, sad show.

We're looking forward to inviting each of you to Kate and AJ's first recital.

Love

Mr. and Mrs. Christian

Every Day Things

So, we get a bill in the mail today, or at least that's what we think it is. Not sure what it is for or how to pay it since it is all in Chinese. Fun! It is weird to have to learn how to do every day things in a whole new way. I think we've already demonstrated that with the muffin making post. With this, I started to think about all the every day things that I look forward to returning to in December. Here's the List:

1. Driving myself around, and going when I want/need to go
2. Being able to read signs
3. Finding ingredients for dinner
4. Grocery stores who clean and stock at night, not in the middle of the busiest time of day
5. Having a back yard
6. Going to our church
7. Eating out and enjoying the food
8. Seeing the price for something and paying that price
9. A phone that works each time I pick it up
10. Being walking distance to friends
11. Being driving distance to family
12. Not being stared at every where I go
13. My kitchen
14. My bed
15. My house
16. Not feeling like I've been sucked of all energy every time I run an errand
17. English
18. Being able to take a deep breath without gagging or coughing
19. Going to the grocery store and not having to hold your breath
20. Not having to yell at Kate and AJ for touching everything, especially in the bathrooms, YUCK!

I'm sure I will be able to add to this list, but for now, it is a good start.

To Stay or Not To Stay

Since our/my company has asked us to extend our relocation to Shanghai, Bekah and I thought that we should put together a list of pros and cons to determine whether or not we should stay!

US - Spork/China - Chopstix = Advantage US - the spork is behind only the paperclip and the internet for greatest invention of all time!
US - Reunion Tower/China - Oriental Pearl Tower = Advantage China
US - Potatoes, Bread, Pasta, Cole-Slaw, Potato Salad, Okra, Corn, French Fries, Baked Beans, Green beans, salad, chips, onion rings, mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac-n-cheese and rice/China - Rice = Advantage US
US - Tiger Woods/China - KJ Choi = Advantage US (13 Majors to None)
US - Kleenex/China - Finger = Push (I prefer my index finger, I don't know where the Kleenex has been)
US - Diapers/China - Poo Poo Pants = Adv China
US - Grandparents have own home/China - Grandparents live with kids = HUGE Adv US
US - Buffalo Chicken Wings/China - Shanghai Chicken Feet = Adv US, unless the chicken feet are covered in Buffalo sauce, then Push
US -15-20% Customary Tip/China - NO Tip - Adv China
US - Restrooms/China - any alleyway, street corner, bush, curb, garbage can, bucket = Adv US for women, Adv China for men = Push
US - Driving/China - Driver = Push (my driver doesn't speak any English, so I can never go where I really want to go anyways)
US - Hot Dog/China - Sticky Buns = No one wins - it's mystery meat!!!
US - The wall that separates the Aviary from Hunters Landing/China - The Great Wall = Push the wall in Murphy helps to provide a buffer from the Youngs while the great wall stopped an invasion by the blood thirsty Mongols!
US - I dominate basketball/China - I still dominate basketball = Slight Adv China - Because I dominate more!
US - Baylor Football/China - Tingong University Football = Huge Adv China though they don't even have a football team!!!
US - Blockbuster (where you can rent movies for $4 a piece)/China - random street merchant on a bike (where you can own movies for $.50) = Adv China - Even though the movie may be in Russian or French and have to have the language setting changed to play
US - NASCAR/China - Taxis = Adv China - I get to experience it!
US - Michael Jordan/China - Yao Ming = Adv US
US - Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner/China - Meal = Adv US
US - Weight Watchers/China - Diarrhea = Adv China - its quicker, but problematic if you refer to restrooms/various locale comparison mentioned above
US - Nesquick (Chocolate or Strawberry)/China - Milk Tea = Adv US - milk and tea should never mingle.
US - $3,000 Rolex, Tag, Breitling, Cartier, Omega/China - $30 Rolex, Tag, Breitling, Cartier, Omega = Adv China for now, but in a year when the watch breaks Adv US. I take that back Adv still China, because I can buy 100 of them!
US - Pajamas for sleeping/China - Pajamas all the time = Adv China
US - Pre-packaged meat products/China - bulk bin meat products = Adv US - refer to Kleenex/finger comparison above
US - Atlantic and Pacific Oceans/China - Pacific Ocean only = Adv US - (SUCK-IT China)
US - speak English/China - speak Engrish = Push - Engrish is funny (http://www.engrish.com/, thanks Drew)
US - Maid Service $35/hr./China - $2/hr. = Adv China
US - MTV/China - MTV Phillipines = Adv US
US - Clear Drinking Water from the tap/China - Tea colored drinking water from the tap = Push due to contributing weight loss redeeming quality of China tap water.
US - Pants' Fly closed/China - Pants' Fly open = Adv US - it may be cute with the Poo Poo pants, but not with grown men!

So in recapping the final score it was a close one, US = 12 and China = 11 - Looks like we are going to be home for Christmas.

By the way, our company has not asked us to extend our stay, but it makes for a better read.

Later

Making Muffins in Shanghai

A whole post about making muffins?! How can that even be remotely interesting? Well, at home, it's not, you just buy the box at the store, open it, read the instructions, turn on the oven, mix the proper amount of ingredients, put it in the oven and wait for the timer. Then, voila, perfect muffins for the whole family to enjoy. If only it were that simple here. Let me tell you the Shanghai way of making muffins.
First, even finding a box of Betty Crocker blueberry muffins in Shanghai is exciting, even if you have to pay close to 5 dollars for it. Of course, you pay it for the glimmer of hope it gives you that you might be able to have a taste from home. Then you realize, hmm, that fully furnished apartment came with one pot, one pan, and three cooking utensils. That's not going to cut it when it comes to making muffins, or even the quick bread recipe on the back of the box. So, you have to make a big trip to IKEA across town and pray that they have a muffin pan and measuring cups since you didn't bring them to your fully furnished apartment. You do a little dance in IKEA when you find both. At the grocery store, you buy the boxed milk that is not in the refrigerated section, the eggs that are not in the refrigerated section, and the only recognizable vegetable oil which comes in a Sam's size container. Now we have all the ingredients, the pan and the measuring cups. Just pull off the sticker with the Chinese instructions that is covering the English measurements and oven temp. We're ready to make muffins, oh wait, no cooking spray to be found. Let's get a little creative. Put some butter on a paper towel and grease the inside of each muffin cup. Ok, now we're ready. Turn on the oven, oh yeah, it's in Celcius, and the box has the temperature in Farenheit. So, go to the computer and hope that you are not the only one who has forgotten the conversion calculation from elementary school. Yes! More people with bad memories, there is a whole website devoted to conversions, got it. Ok, now turn on the oven. Good, check. I did bring an oven thermometer so I could know if the temperature was right in Farenheit. Now to mixing the ingredients. No big deal, I can do this part easy, I've got my measuring cups, oh wait, they're in milliliters! Back to the conversion website. Now at least I have an educated guess, since my 100 ml cup is the equivalent of .42 cups, and I needed 3/4 of a cup of milk and 1/4 of a cup of oil. I almost pull out the calculator, since my head is starting to hurt. So, in go two eggs, and about the right amount of milk and oil, I hope. Mix, and put in the muffin cups, really this was the only normal part of the process, but I had to buy a bowl to even mix it. Ready to bake, wait, the oven is not on, great(at this point, I'm close to giving up). Figure out how to turn on the oven and then wait for preheat. Come back in about 10 minutes to check, readjust since it is not quite hot enough. Apparently, I unknowingly turned it off, because when I came back in another few minutes it was not hotter, but cooler(at this point, I'm close to cussing). Stand over the oven and watch it to make sure the temp goes up and not down this time. Ok, close enough. Put the muffins in, and set the time for a little shorter to make sure I don't burn these now precious muffins. Come back and check a few minutes before the timer goes off, and they look done. Put in a knife, and yeah, they are finished. Glad I checked, if I had waited until the timer went off, they would have been burned.
Finally, voila, perfect muffins for the whole family to enjoy. And believe me, they were the best muffins I've ever tasted, even if it took me 12 days to make them.

Outings in Shanghai

I know, I know, it's been too long between posts, but really, with the response Mike got about how funny the Poo Poo Pants are, it's a tough act to follow. Don't expect too much humor here, I just want to give you a peek into what we've been up to here.

While Rachel was here last week, we went a lot of places around Shanghai, and because we had our own personal photographer, we got a lot of pics. Here, Kate and AJ are at the little play area at our apartment. These are some pics from our day at Century Park. Century Park is probably the only green space in Shanghai that I've seen so far that allows you to walk on the grass. It is a huge park, and we actually got lost. I guess it is probably equivalent to Central Park in New York. Me and AJ on the Bee ride, which they loved. See, very Sandy Lake Park! Kate and AJ playing in the water fountain thing. This was a great way to cool off, since our AJ thermometer was reading bright red. It was on our way to this that we took the picture of the poo poo pants. Oops, should have cropped that picture before putting it in. Sorry, didn't mean to show the guy grabbing his crotch in the background!

After the water fountain play, on a bridge in the park.

We found a little path to take in the park, and this is what led us to getting lost.

On our way to dinner one night. I told you everyone stares at us. Is there a single Chinese person in this picture that is NOT gawking?? Even the kid in the dad's arms is staring at us. Apparently, the parents in China don't teach their children that it is rude to stare. Really, we get looks because people are curious. For the most part, people are smiling and kind, only a few times have we gotten scowls.

After dinner, behind us is the other side of Shanghai, Puxi. Along the river behind us is a historic part of town, called the Bund. The Chinese don't have a knack for naming things well, in my opinion.
We went to the Shanghai Aquarium, and as you can see, they had an exhibit on deadly aquatic animals. Don't worry about scaring the kids, geesh!

This was a cool place to visit for the adults, not the kids. It was the Urban Planning Museum. What you see is a model of the whole city of Shanghai. We couldn't even get the whole thing in the picture. We found our building and some other major landmarks, but it gave us a perspective on just how spread out and large this city is.

Rachel and I went out one day, while Mike stayed home with the kids, and we visited one of the only ancient sites that survived the Cultural Revolution. It is the Yuyuan Garden, and all I know is that it is old, unfortunately I don't know much more than that since all the signs were in Chinese. But, you can see for yourself some of the traditional Chinese architecture. In an extremely modern city like Shanghai, you don't see much of this around. This is called the Dragon Wall, for good reason. The amount of detail was incredible. On Tuesday, Kate, AJ and I met some other moms of little ones at a wave pool to play for the morning. It was a great place, the entrance to the pool was a slope and not steps, so they could actually go out quite a way before it got too deep. They also had a sandy beach area and kiddie pool close, so we played there all morning. It was a relief in the hot, muggy weather here. Of course, now I'm paying for it, since I remembered to put sunscreen on Kate and AJ but in the chaos forgot to put some on myself. I'm burned worse than I ever have been in my life!

I'll try to be better about posting more often. Thanks for reading, Miss you all!

Poo Poo Pants...A Model of Efficiency

Our first Saturday in Shanghai began with the basic question of what are we going to do to fill an entire day here. The girls and kids have pretty much concluded their week of shop-till-you-drop so we were looking for something less crowded. We decided to head out to Century Park to explore the biggest green space within 2 hours of where we live. When we arrived at the park, we were surprised to discover that we had warped closer to home to a place that I hold so dear...Sandy Lake Park! For you that don't know what Sandy Lake Park is, first, I feel sorry that you haven't gotten to experience the greatness, and second, I guess I don't have enough WT friends. SLP is a smaller (way smaller) version of Six Flags. But in SLP, all the rides have a little extra terror built in because you are not sure if the ride will make it through one more go. Well Shanghai's version of SLP is a litle smaller than the original, but still filled with the same WT and added terror. (What do they call WT here? I dont know, I'll find out and post later). We spent the first several hours riding the rides - Kate and AJ loved it, while mom, Dad and Aunt Rachel just tried to keep our food down from our morning breakfast. While the rides at most places are usually the most interesting thing, I saw my first example of the famous Poo Poo pants of Shanghai. What are Poo Poo Pants you ask...only the greatest invention ever! Parents here have determined that the cost of diapers and the time to take kids to the restroom can cut into there productive daylight hours, so they have invented pants that have a "gap" in both the front and the back. Think chaps, but not leather and the openning isn't as wide. Kids here are allowed to turd and pee anywhere they want. I remember the first day that I was here, I saw a mom holding her kid over a trash can in the middle of the mall letting the kid take care of business for all the world to see. A picture has been attached for your reference. These pants are all over the place. I am thinking that I will begin using these when I get back to Dallas, my days will be much more efficient.

Later - I gotta go to the bathroom (see, if I had my Poo Poo pants I could just keep writing)

First Impressions

I wish I could say that my first impressions of Shanghai were wonderful, but most of them were not. I felt that I had researched and read a lot about life in Shanghai, but like most big changes you just can't really know until you get there. Add a serious lack of sleep, jet lag, and language barrier, and things get a little hairy. Things have gotten better in just a few days here. I've already met a few women who have offered to help me figure things out. Like, what do you cook, what do you do during the day with kids, where are good places to go shopping for necessities and fun things. How have I met them you ask? Glad you asked. One I met in the grocery store, where a box of the Capt'n is about 8 USD. I stopped her and her four daughters in the aisle to ask a few questions. She was great, and I think she will be a wonderful contact because she knows other moms of young twins. She listed off 4 or 5 people she knew, but didn't know if any of them lived near us. I also met a mom of 4 year old twin boys today at a coffee house where the American Women's Club of Shanghai meet every Wednesday. She and I hit it off, and are in a very similar situation. She is only here for 6 months, and is a few steps further in figuring things out, which will be a great resource(and friend?). Keep praying for that all of you who are!
Mike told you a little bit about our first day here when Kate and AJ were being photographed and the mob scene that ensued. It was a little scary being in the middle, because Chinese people don't have a very big radius for personal space. I guess in a city of 18 million, you're going to run into other people a lot. So, if we get in your personal space when we get back, just tell us to back off.
Again, I am so thankful that Rachel is here to help me this first week, because otherwise, I would probably just hole myself up and not get out as much as we have already. We have been shopping for some good fake things, like purses, shoes, jackets, really most high end brands you can find a knock off here. Rachel has found a lot of good things. I bought Kate some cute little pink Puma shoes for about 10 USD. They didn't have AJ's size, so he'll get some later. I also got myself a Diesel messenger bag for a diaper bag, which hopefully, I won't have to use for too much longer.

Each time I go out I am more comfortable about how to do things. Even just telling our driver where to go and when to pick us up is getting easier. A driver? Yes, because, believe me, you do not want to drive yourself around these streets. Our driver, James, is actually a very safe driver, but the rules of the road are different here. Pretty much, as Mike described it to me, you don't have to worry about any other car except the one in front of you. You can just pull over without looking, it is a very aggressive way of driving, although to them, it is normal. There have already been a few times when we could have reached out to touch the people in the car next to us. As a pedestrian, you have to walk very defensively, because cars/bikes/scooters/buses, don't really care if you're there, they will keep barrelling at you.
Another big difference, as you might guess, are the grocery stores. There are a lot of brands you might recognize, but just a little bit off. Also, there are open bins of frozen chicken pieces. Rachel said that when she went to the store, she saw two little girls playing drums with frozen drumsticks. We went to another grocery store,and they had open bins of non-frozen chickens, head still in tact, and people just put their hands in and grab them out, touching all the others while they're at it. Apparently, chicken feet are a tasty snack, too. GROSS!!! Don't know how much chicken we will be eating here. We may become vegetarians by default.
A funny thing that Rachel and I get a kick out of, are all the shirts that Chinese people wear with English on them, that they probably don't know what they say. There are lots of signs in Chinese and English, but it is obvious the translator didn't know the English language very well.

I'm guessing that they don't think too highly of us. What do you think?

I am sure I will have more stories and pictures soon.