"Potty Like A Rock Star"

I am a fearful man! Like many young tots, I had your normal fears growing up. Fear of the dark, reptiles, crustaceans, rodents, strange oil paintings with eyes that seem to follow you wherever you go, reading and public toilets. My fear of reading was not so much the reading aspect, but the idea of getting a papercut in my eyeball. I remember that, when forced to read, every time I had to turn a page, I would hold the book out as far as I could reach then turn the page before bringing the book back to proper reading distance. So I guess you could say that I had a fear of papercuts, specifically to my eyeball, that manifested itself into a fear of reading! In actuality, that is not what this blog is about anyway, but is focused more on my last and greatest fear...the fear of public toilets. A fear that I couldn't avoid for long.

I know what you are thinking, how did he live in China and survive with this incapacitating fear. Well, I am proud to say that I overcame this fear of the public toilet (circa 1994) and now actually consider myself somewhat of an expert on the topic! I am a self proclaimed, expert in the areas of Ceasar Salads, Pro Quarterback prospects and Public Restrooms including public restroom etiquette.

I remember growing up that I always seemed to have amazing sphincter control. But, I lived every day with the fear in the back of my mind as to what happens if it was an emergency. Fortunately for me, as a highschooler, I lived relatively close to home and I went to school in the days where the campus wasn't on a 24hr lockdown, so whenever times got desperate, I would "fly like the wind" to my home court to take care of business. It was in college that my PR philosophy began to shape into what it is today. Many young men and women go to college and experience enlightenment in the areas of theology, philosophy, relations...I was enlightened in another area. My friends at other schools were busy learning guitar, experimenting with drinking or streaking campus wearing only Mardi Gras beads, what was I going to do to qualify for elite status among my peers? How do I become reveered for all time??? Do I score a par on a par 3 while naked at Bryan Municiple Golf Coarse? Been there, done that! Do I run a sub 12 second 100 yard dash on Kyle Field (right after they lay the grass field) - naked? Who hasn't.

Like a man who fears heights decides to skydive, or someone who fears water goes scuba diving, or someone who fears reading wears chemistry lab goggles, I would face my fears - head on. I decided that I would use the restroom in every building on the A&M campus. So my quest began! It was during this quest that I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about the general habits of the human race. You've heard it said that you can tell a lot about a man's character by what he does when no one is looking, but you can equally learn a lot about a man when he thinks that no one is in stall #4! It was also on this journey of enlightenment that I decided that I should/would write a book about my experiences. I would call it: "Potty Like a Rock Star" - 14 essential techniques to avoid being caught with your pants down. Each chapter covers a technique that I have mastered or gives advice on proper restroom management. Some of the highlights are:

1) Always lift your feet - you don't want anyone knowing you are in there - be covert! Also, a funny byproduct is when you get a "snooper" who is unsure if someone is in the stall and either looks under or over the wall creating quite an uncomfortable moment for him!

2) Always disquise your voice - if someone asks if the stall is taken, mix it up. Try and respond in a woman's voice or a foreign language.

3) I used to be a stander, now I am a sitter - if you are over 6'2" always sit, or the top of your head will rise above your standard stall wall height. If below 6'2" it is up to your own discretion. If over 6'2" and you have to stand, I would suggest carrying a wig with you in your backpack.

4) When in doubt, mid-flush! Make sure to stand when you mid-flush as to not get residual spray! AKA "backlash" or "splashback".

5) Always read the writing on the walls, you are bound to learn something.

6) In an office setting begin to recognize people's shoes - you need to know who is in the stall next to you at all times, so that you can make funny noises and try and induce laughter if it is someone that you know. You also want to know who does and does not wash their hands.

7) Absolutely no talking on the phone or carrying on a conversation while takin' care of business.

8) Be aware of your name badge - this is a rookie mistake. I have seen many a person who inadvertantly advertises to the world that they go #2, because they have there badge on a belt loop. When you drop the pants, the badge also goes with it! THINK PEOPLE, THINK!!!

9) Check for toilet paper prior to starting - I have fallen for this trick many-a-time! #1 tactic of the restroom Gargoyle or Gremlin.

10) Use a fake sneeze rather than a fake cough to cover any unwanted noise.

11) Awlays leave things better than you arrived. This is a practical way to make the world a better place. No matter how proud you are of the mess you made, don't leave it for someone else to "discover".

12)If circumstances are dire, go David Blaine style and try to levitate - bacteria can't get what it can't touch.

13) No laptops - too many nooks and crannies, plus it is just gross.

14) Randomly throw out words like "awesome" or "amazing" if you have multiple people in the rest room. Be sure to use your fake voice!

I am proud to say that when I graduated in December of 1997, I had acheived my goal. Some people strive to graduate with a 4.0, my aspirations were much higher! Many new buildings have been added to the campus that I have yet to visit, but I feel complete in spite of that. I have conquered a fear and it no longer cripples me.

Why did I choose today to write about this? Beacause today, I "witnessed" a man in two-toned brown hush puppies make all of the sounds of a #2 while both feet were facing the toilet. He didn't even know I was there - shhhhh!!!

Later